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Parenting

Dec 15
Love0

The Holiday Myth: Why “Family Time” Can Be Harder When You’re Parenting a Teen

By Parenting

When the Holidays Don’t Feel Warm and Cozy

There’s a powerful cultural story we’re sold every year:
The holidays are supposed to be a time of connection, gratitude, and togetherness.

But for many parents of teens, the holidays feel anything but cozy.

Instead, they can bring:

  • Tension at family gatherings

  • Teens retreating to their rooms or phones

  • Increased irritability, shutdowns, or emotional outbursts

  • Parents feeling disappointed, guilty, or like they’re “doing something wrong”

If this sounds familiar, here’s an important truth to start with:

There is nothing wrong with your family if the holidays feel harder right now.

Why Family Time Often Feels Harder With Teens (Developmentally Speaking)

Adolescence is a season of reorganization—emotionally, neurologically, and relationally.

Teens are:

  • Actively separating from family as their primary identity base

  • More sensitive to overstimulation (noise, people, expectations)

  • Still developing emotional regulation and impulse control

  • Often navigating internal stress they don’t yet have words for

Now layer on the holidays:

  • Disrupted routines

  • Extended family dynamics

  • Expectations to “be grateful” or “be happy”

  • Long social days with little downtime

What looks like “attitude” is often overload.

A Client Story: “Why Won’t He Just Be With Us?”

(Details generalized to protect privacy)

A mom called in early December feeling heartbroken and frustrated.

Her 15-year-old son had spent most of Thanksgiving:

  • In his hoodie

  • On his phone

  • Leaving the family room repeatedly

She said, “I kept thinking—this is family time. Why won’t he just be with us? Do we punish him? Let him just be? What’s the right answer?”

As we talked, something important emerged:

Her son wasn’t rejecting the family—he was overwhelmed.

The noise and amount of people present
The constant conversation, including lots of questions directed at him
The pressure to perform with warmth, engagement, and enthusiasm

Once Sarah shifted her expectations, everything softened.

She stopped pushing for togetherness and started offering low-pressure presence:

  • Sitting nearby without talking

  • Turning off her own phone

  • Starting a favorite family movie and inviting–but not pressuring–him to watch

  • Letting quiet moments count as connection

Her son didn’t suddenly become chatty—but he stayed in the room longer. He relaxed. He rejoined on his own terms.

And our mom felt less hurt, less rejected, and more grounded.

Reframing “Family Time” During the Holidays

One of the most helpful mindset shifts for parents of teens is this:

Connection doesn’t always look like closeness.

Especially during the holidays.

For teens, connection may look like:

  • Being in the same space without engaging

  • Short bursts of interaction

  • Humor instead of heartfelt conversation

  • Quiet presence instead of eye contact

This isn’t failure. It’s developmentally appropriate.

What Self-Care Looks Like for Parents During the Holidays

Self-care during this season isn’t about bubble baths or gratitude lists (though those can help).

It’s about reducing emotional pressure—on your teen and on yourself.

Practical ways to do this:

  • Release the expectation that holidays must feel “special”

  • Allow your teen to opt out of some activities without consequence

  • Let silence be neutral, not a problem to fix

  • Name your own grief privately instead of acting it out relationally

And perhaps most importantly:

You are allowed to feel sad that the holidays look different now without making it your teen’s responsibility to fix that.

Letting the Holidays Be a Practice Ground

The holidays can become a practice ground for:

  • Respecting autonomy

  • Tolerating disappointment

  • Redefining connection

  • Staying emotionally regulated when things don’t match the picture in your head

These skills matter far beyond December.

They’re the foundation of strong parent-teen relationships long term.

A Question for You

If you’re willing to reflect, consider this:

Where might easing pressure—rather than increasing effort—help your family this holiday season?

If you’re comfortable, we invite you to share in the comments:

  • What’s been hardest about the holidays with your teen?

  • Or—what’s shifted when you’ve let go of expectations?

Your experience may help another parent feel less alone.

Apr 03
Love0

Parenting by Committee: The Blessing and Burden of Facebook Mom Groups

By Parenting

Parenting by Committee: The Blessing and Burden of Facebook Mom Groups

I saw this post in a mom group the other day, and it raised my blood pressure–but not for the reason you might think. Do I think this mom should let her kiddo go on the field trip? Sure. But that’s a small detail compared to the rest of the post.

When I took this screenshot, it had been up for 2 hours. In two hours, 309 people offered commentary on this question. The question, remember, is, “would I be a bad mom if…”

There are laughing AND crying emojis.
And I don’t probably need to tell you about the tone of some of the comments.

Why am I sharing this? Because Facebook mom groups are a part of mom life for many of us.

Let’s be honest—parenting can feel really lonely. And not just in the “no one’s helping me unload the dishwasher” kind of way. I’m talking about the emotional, identity-shifting, mind-spinning aloneness that can come with being responsible for tiny humans who don’t come with instruction manuals.

So it makes sense that so many moms turn to online spaces, especially Facebook mom groups, looking for community, reassurance, and advice. In fact, these groups often serve as virtual lifelines—offering solidarity at 2 a.m. when the baby won’t sleep, or quick input when you’re wondering if that rash needs a doctor or just more Aquaphor.

And let’s be clear: these communities can be a godsend. There’s something powerful about knowing you’re not the only one who yelled today, cried in the car, or gave the kids cereal for dinner (again). In moments like that, online mom groups remind us that we’re human—and that we’re not alone.

But here’s the thing…

Sometimes, what starts as a search for connection becomes an unintended source of stress. Maybe you post a question about sleep training, screen time, or how to handle a tough situation with your teen. Within minutes, you’re flooded with responses—some thoughtful and kind, others harsh or judgmental.

Suddenly, you’re questioning your instincts, your values, and maybe even your worth as a mom.

And that’s where we run into the shadow side of “parenting by committee.”

Too Many Voices, Not Enough Confidence

There’s a reason why this feels so overwhelming. The human nervous system doesn’t love uncertainty—and when you’re in a vulnerable or stressed state, your brain is already on high alert. Throw in hundreds of conflicting opinions, unsolicited advice, or outright criticism, and your body can interpret that as threat.

This isn’t just a feeling—it’s physiological. When our choices as parents are challenged, especially in public or semi-public ways, it can trigger a stress response: fight, flight, or freeze. We may feel defensive, anxious, ashamed—or completely paralyzed about what to do next.

According to a 2022 study published in JMIR Mental Health, moms who frequently used social media for parenting advice were more likely to experience symptoms of anxiety and feel less confident in their parenting decisions. Another study from the Journal of Child and Family Studies found that online mom groups could amplify pressure to be a “perfect parent,” especially when mothers felt judged or invalidated by others in the group.

So, What Do We Do With That?

I’m not here to tell you to leave all Facebook groups and go it alone. Community matters. Shared experience matters. But we have to be mindful about how we use these spaces—and how we’re being impacted.

Here are a few gentle questions to consider the next time you feel tempted to post:

  • Am I looking for advice, or am I actually needing emotional support?

  • What do I already know or feel about this situation?

  • Will reading 200 opinions help me get clearer—or leave me more confused?

  • Is there a person I trust (a friend, professional, or mentor) who I could talk to directly?

And if you’ve ever felt gutted after reading the comment section, please know—you’re not alone, and you’re not a bad mom. You’re just a mom trying to make the best decisions for your unique child and family. And no Facebook algorithm knows them better than you do.

Let’s Parent With Community—Not by Committee

At the end of the day, parenting isn’t a popularity contest. It’s a deeply personal journey—one that’s enriched by connection, but not defined by consensus.

So let’s keep showing up for each other with empathy. Let’s build villages, not tribunals. And let’s remember: your inner voice is just as important—maybe more important—than the loudest one online.

Have you ever felt the double-edged sword of Facebook mom groups? I’d love to hear your experience—or help you connect more deeply to your own parenting compass. Reach out or drop a comment below. You’re doing better than you think.