When the Holidays Don’t Feel Warm and Cozy
There’s a powerful cultural story we’re sold every year:
The holidays are supposed to be a time of connection, gratitude, and togetherness.
But for many parents of teens, the holidays feel anything but cozy.
Instead, they can bring:
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Tension at family gatherings
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Teens retreating to their rooms or phones
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Increased irritability, shutdowns, or emotional outbursts
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Parents feeling disappointed, guilty, or like they’re “doing something wrong”
If this sounds familiar, here’s an important truth to start with:
There is nothing wrong with your family if the holidays feel harder right now.
Why Family Time Often Feels Harder With Teens (Developmentally Speaking)
Adolescence is a season of reorganization—emotionally, neurologically, and relationally.
Teens are:
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Actively separating from family as their primary identity base
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More sensitive to overstimulation (noise, people, expectations)
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Still developing emotional regulation and impulse control
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Often navigating internal stress they don’t yet have words for
Now layer on the holidays:
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Disrupted routines
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Extended family dynamics
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Expectations to “be grateful” or “be happy”
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Long social days with little downtime
What looks like “attitude” is often overload.
A Client Story: “Why Won’t He Just Be With Us?”
(Details generalized to protect privacy)
A mom called in early December feeling heartbroken and frustrated.
Her 15-year-old son had spent most of Thanksgiving:
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In his hoodie
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On his phone
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Leaving the family room repeatedly
She said, “I kept thinking—this is family time. Why won’t he just be with us? Do we punish him? Let him just be? What’s the right answer?”
As we talked, something important emerged:
Her son wasn’t rejecting the family—he was overwhelmed.
The noise and amount of people present
The constant conversation, including lots of questions directed at him
The pressure to perform with warmth, engagement, and enthusiasm
Once Sarah shifted her expectations, everything softened.
She stopped pushing for togetherness and started offering low-pressure presence:
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Sitting nearby without talking
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Turning off her own phone
- Starting a favorite family movie and inviting–but not pressuring–him to watch
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Letting quiet moments count as connection
Her son didn’t suddenly become chatty—but he stayed in the room longer. He relaxed. He rejoined on his own terms.
And our mom felt less hurt, less rejected, and more grounded.
Reframing “Family Time” During the Holidays
One of the most helpful mindset shifts for parents of teens is this:
Connection doesn’t always look like closeness.
Especially during the holidays.
For teens, connection may look like:
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Being in the same space without engaging
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Short bursts of interaction
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Humor instead of heartfelt conversation
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Quiet presence instead of eye contact
This isn’t failure. It’s developmentally appropriate.
What Self-Care Looks Like for Parents During the Holidays
Self-care during this season isn’t about bubble baths or gratitude lists (though those can help).
It’s about reducing emotional pressure—on your teen and on yourself.
Practical ways to do this:
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Release the expectation that holidays must feel “special”
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Allow your teen to opt out of some activities without consequence
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Let silence be neutral, not a problem to fix
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Name your own grief privately instead of acting it out relationally
And perhaps most importantly:
You are allowed to feel sad that the holidays look different now without making it your teen’s responsibility to fix that.
Letting the Holidays Be a Practice Ground
The holidays can become a practice ground for:
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Respecting autonomy
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Tolerating disappointment
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Redefining connection
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Staying emotionally regulated when things don’t match the picture in your head
These skills matter far beyond December.
They’re the foundation of strong parent-teen relationships long term.
A Question for You
If you’re willing to reflect, consider this:
Where might easing pressure—rather than increasing effort—help your family this holiday season?
If you’re comfortable, we invite you to share in the comments:
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What’s been hardest about the holidays with your teen?
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Or—what’s shifted when you’ve let go of expectations?
Your experience may help another parent feel less alone.
